Hey guys,

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was having one of those days where it feels like the universe is against you. Nothing serious, just a series of unfortunate events that made posting the last thing on my mind.

So now, back to your regularly scheduled programming:

One thing I've been wanting to report is that I dropped my Gaelic class last week. To be honest, it was causing me a lot of stress - I was trying to juggle 3 languages (German, Gaelic and Italian) and both my health and my grades were suffering because of it. Now that it's gone I have Mondays and Wednesdays completely free, which is kind of awesome because it lets me actually DO the work I've been neglecting in some of my other courses. As tough as it was, I'm glad I let it go. It just wasn't worth the hassle it was causing me.

Another thing that dropping the course has let me do is swimming. Honestly, I didn't really have the time or the inclination to go to the pool before now - it just seemed like too much work. Now that I have 2 free days a week, though, I don't really have an excuse anymore. Besides, I've come to realize exactly how good the pool is for my busted shoulder. It hurts like hell, but it's going to get a little easier each time I go.

On a completely unrelated note: I'm coming home at the end of the month! I'll be there for almost a week, before I return to write my finals. I'm SO looking forward to this - it'll be a break from the constant cloud of exam stress that's been hanging around since mid-October! And, y'know, it'll be great to see my family and friends again...

TTYL,
Me

P.S. MY TATTOO CONSULTATION IS IN 6 DAYS!!!!!

Hi guys,

It's hard to believe that it's only been a week since I "came out" about having depression. Things have changed so much since then...

The biggest change is that I finally feel at peace with my depression. It's honestly like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders once I realized that I don't have to hide anymore. That combined with your incredible support has made a HUGE difference.

I'm also happy to report that I'm (kinda) starting to go to the gym with my roommate. I say "kinda" because I basically shut myself in my room last week while I was trying to write a term paper, so my health got pushed off to the side. Now that I've dropped the course (long story) I'm back on track. I bought actual vegetables - plural - today and I'm going to the gym tomorrow. Woot!

The final change that my revelation is bringing about is that I'm planning on getting a pair of tattoos! They're going to be based on this necklace that I always wear. I'll include pics below, but basically it's a wing and a ring. The angel wing was given to me after my accident and acts as a reminder that I'm stronger than I think, while the ring (which I bought after my first major depressive episode last year) reminds me that things do get better. I'm hoping to get the design on the insides of my wrists so that they're easily concealable and won't get as disfigured with age. My consultation's on the 23rd and I'm hoping to get the actual tattoo soon after. Whaddaya think?

TTFN,
Me

Hi guys,

I just wanted to thank you for being so amazingly supportive after yesterday's post. I'd love to send individual notes to everyone, but honestly I've received so many emails/comments/messages that I'm kind of overwhelmed. Not that this is a bad thing!

Even though I can't thank you all individually, there are a few things I'd like to say:

To the homies on my floor: You're awesome. Seriously. I know I've been kind of a loner but knowing you're behind me makes a world of difference.

To my family: I love you guys. I was worried there'd be hurt feelings when I "came out" about my depression, but I've gotten nothing but love and support. It means a lot to me.

To my friends (online and IRL): Thanks for sticking with me. I've been through a lot of crap (most of which I brought upon myself) and knowing that I have someone to turn to is a big deal.

Once again, thank you for the love and support. Writing that post was a Big Deal for me, but the responses were an affirmation that I did the right thing. I'm hoping that it will help me make some other big changes, and knowing that I have an army to help me with that is HUGE.


Me

Hi everyone,


This week I wanted to share something with you guys. Something I've been meaning to let you know for a long time.

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...

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(I did that for Facebook's benefit - I want people to actually read my post instead of having my secret revealed in the little blurb when I post the link)

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My secret is that I suffer from depression. Soul-sucking, mind-crushing depression. Not all the time, mind you, but enough that it's a problem.

Life with depression is... different than what you might expect. For me, it's essentially an altered mindset - you can think of it as looking at the world through a pair of lead sunglasses. My first instinct is to look at the problems associated with something instead of the benefits, and while I can enjoy things it takes a little more effort to "lift the sunglasses" than it would for most people. My inner critic is also very strong, making it easy for me to get discouraged and down on myself. If I don't catch myself, I start to spiral out of control.

These spirals occasionally turn into major depressive episodes. The blog Hyperbole and a Half explains these the best - aside from the "I don't give a f*ck" stage (which I haven't ever quite accomplished), it's exactly what I go through. I want to be clear that I've only ever been through 4 or 5 of these episodes (which last anywhere from 2 weeks to just over a month) so they are most definitely NOT NORMAL. It's worth noting them, though, because each one has changed me. You can't go to Hell and back without earning a few scars in the process.

That said, I want to let you know that those of you I know in real life shouldn't be surprised if you didn't notice anything. I worked VERY hard to put on a "happy mask" and pretend that everything was OK. I've never done emotions well, so I worked to hide everything I was feeling so that I wouldn't have to admit that I was struggling. I only opened up to a very few people last year, and that was because I was nearing a breaking point. I needed help and I couldn't do that without talking to people.

I'm done acting like that. It's time for me to grow up and start living with depression instead of just dealing with it. I've already started - I'm on medication (hopefully not for a long time), starting to exercise again, watching what I put into my body and seeing a counselor. I need you guys to stand behind me while I do this, because it's incredibly hard to break habits you've had for most of your life. Even if it's something as simple as bugging me to get to the gym once a week or asking me what I had for supper, I need your support. Are you with me?

Moi.

Hi peeps,

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm home for reading week this week. It's like being on vacation, only better - not only do I not have to worry about food/laundry/entertainment, but I also get to cuddle my puppy whenever I want. WIN.

Another upside to being home for longer than a weekend is that I'm able to reconnect with people I know here. Not just friends, either - I visited my old workplace on Tuesday and talked to my former bosses and coworkers. It was nice to catch up!

Of course, I get to spend time with my family as well. I know my sister has missed my twisted sense of humour, as have my parents. And it's great to be able to talk things through with my mom in person, instead of over MSN*. Some things just translate better in person.

Stay tuned for next week's post.
Me


*Yes, I still use MSN. Just because I've been using it since elementary school doesn't mean it's obsolete.

As the title suggests, this is basically just a short post to assure you that I am in fact alive and well. I don't really have much to say - it's the end of midterms for most people, which means that there isn't a heck of a lot going on. This is unfortunate for people like me who finished their exams last week.

I suppose that I can tell all 3 of you who don't know that I'm going home for reading week next week. I'm VERY excited about this - there are certain things that just aren't the same here. For instance, it's hard not being able to see my puppies every day. And I REALLY miss sleeping in a bed that doesn't cause back problems. And having to pay $10 to do your laundry is kind of a pain. While I can live without all of these things, it's certainly nice to have them, even if it's only for a little bit. The saying "There's no place like home" really rings true now!

So... yeah. That's about all the excitement I have to report for this week. I promise I'll check in next Wednesday with something a little more exciting.

Slainte,
Me

Turkey and exams. 2 things that will forever be linked in my mind. *Sigh*

It's kind of funny when you think about it, since they symbolize entirely opposite things. Turkey is a symbol of food, family and relaxation, while midterms make you think of sleep deprivation, self-imposed isolation and stress. And yet, thanks to the school's timing, the two are intertwined. You've gotta wonder if they do it on purpose...

Anyways, I guess I should report on midterms first. They've been going on for the past 2 weeks, during which everyone has collectively lost it. After all, people are still adjusting to the fact that they're really only accountable to themselves. There's the dawning realization that while you can party 24/7, you will pay for it eventually. You'll also pay for not doing your homework and/or doing your reading - even if it's not for marks, it's pretty important because it helps you understand the material instead of just memorizing it. And you'd better think again if you believe that the profs are going to chase after you and/or make sure you're doing OK in class. It's sink or swim here, and a lot of people (myself included) are just barely treading water.

To counteract the midterm stress, I spent Thanksgiving weekend with the "New Brunswick crew"*. My visiting grandma invited me to stay with my aunt and uncle, which was awesome! Aside from the free (and delicious) food and the fact that I had my laundry done for me (thanks Grandma!), it was nice to just spend the weekend with everyone. We went to a birthday party Saturday night, where I met family I didn't even know I had. Those same family members then came over for dinner on Sunday - there were 20 of us in total. Monday was spent driving out to Perth to see my great-grandma's beautiful old farmhouse, then we were back in time for leftovers that evening. It was nice just being able to relax and not stress for a bit!

Speaking of stress, I'm sorry my posting's been so erratic. The past 2 months have been kinda crazy - I've been hit with one thing after another. Hopefully it'll all settle down after I take my last midterm tomorrow, and then I'll be able return to regularly scheduled programming.

Adios for now,
Moi

*For those of you playing along at home, the "New Brunswick crew" consists of the 16 or so people that spend every summer and/or Christmas at my grandparents' house in (you guessed it) New Brunswick.