Hi all,

So I'm back home for the summer. No more pencils, no more books, no more TA's dirty looks! Also: no more exams and no more packing/unpacking, at least for a little while. I'm going through a major adjustment period being back home (I'm so used to being completely independent while I'm at school, so it's a little weird having to factor other people into my plans), but it's nice to be back.

One of the best parts of being back is our new Doxie, who I'll call Little Guy. He's a puppy-mill rescue from the States, and he's been home for 3 days now. The poor thing is going through an adjustment period of his own! The puppy mill left him with some pretty serious anxiety issues, so he's staying pretty firmly inside his shell for now - he doesn't even like it when we look at him. It's going to take a lot of time and work before he's able to trust us. Luckily, our other wiener dog is helping him relax a bit; he's taken to sleeping with his head on her butt! And he's helping her too. She's been pretty lonely since we lost Regal, so having a buddy around has helped her perk up.

In other news, I'm still jobless. I've been firing my résumé around the city, but have gotten exactly 0 callbacks. I'm getting the impression that people don't like that I come with an expiry date (I go back to school in September). So if anyone knows of a summer job in my area (or translation work I can do online), let me know!

K

Regal the Beagle passed away yesterday after 9 years with our family. She had an extremely aggressive form of liver cancer that left her unable to eat properly. As much as we will miss her, I'm glad she's in a better place now. She knew how much she was loved right until the very end.

Regal came to our family as a sort of surprise. My mother signed up for a small dog rescue group, figuring it would take a few months for them to find a dog. But we got a call the next day, saying that they had a 6-month-old Beagle puppy who was driving her previous owner's other dog nuts and had to leave ASAP. So next thing we knew, we had a new addition to our family!

The first few months took a lot of adjustment. Regal had a lot of energy, a stubborn streak a mile wide and a howl that could be heard from a block away. It became clear that much like a cat, Regal did what she wanted no matter what we had to say about it! She'd even get mad at us for leaving her alone for too long. Bossy dog.

She did eventually mellow out some, but even 9 years later she  would get "banished" from the kitchen nightly for sticking her nose into the dishwasher or garbage, only to lie in the living room with her head inside the kitchen, slowly inching her way back in. She loved to hide in my bed while I was in the shower, so much so that she learned the words "You know you're not allowed up there" because I kicked her off almost every day! And then, of course, I'd get the pathetic "What did I ever do to you?!" look...

That said, though, our Bagel did have a lot of endearing qualities. She made the best noises - her snores were so soothing! They helped me fall asleep more than once (did I mention she took over the couch in my room every night?). And when she woke up in the morning, she'd roll around on the carpet, scratching her back and groaning in bliss. It was hilarious to watch, especially since she had a lot of loose skin and wrinkles that kind of puddled around her.

So anyways. That's my Regal post. I'll just leave you with this thought: owning a pet (especially a dog) is a blessing and a curse. They give you so, so much love, but their lives are too short and it hurts really badly when they cross the Rainbow Bridge.

K

(This is very much a stream-of-consciousness post; forgive me if I go all over the place)

I came across this video this morning. It changed the way I see myself. Honestly.

See, here's the thing. I was always really awkward around people, especially as a kid. I was overweight and way too smart for my own good and didn't take care of myself (what kid does, really?) and never really figured out the whole "social interaction" thing. As a result, I spent most of my formative years isolating myself and - more importantly - being isolated by other kids. By the time I became aware of this, I had already internalized the message that I "wasn't good enough" and wasn't worth helping. It meant that I ended up not liking myself much; I felt like I was a failure of a human being and ended up filtering and twisting everything I experienced to support that conclusion. I carried this weight with me right through to adulthood in the form of wicked, persistent self-esteem issues that fueled my depression. It also led me to hide my issues, because I figured nobody would really care about the hell that was going on inside my head. Even after I broke my silence and started trying to help myself, I still struggled with staying motivated enough to do it because I didn't feel like I was worth the effort it took to actually heal myself.

I think that's changed.

Something in that video clicked for me and made me see that it WASN'T MY FAULT that I ended up like that. I always blamed myself for my depression and self-image issues, but looking back I can see how they actually came about. I picked up the "you're worthless" message from the isolation I experienced and fully assimilated that into my internal monologue.

I feel like a puzzle piece has clicked into place. I couldn't start changing until I figured out why I hated myself so much. Now that that's happened? Well, let's just say I think I'm ready to move on.

(Important note: I'm not writing this to blame anyone. I didn't even realize what was going on until today. And I've always bottled things up really tightly, so I can't expect anyone else to notice.)

K

Hey people,

No, I am not dead. Some days I might disagree, but, well, I'm here. So without further ado, here's the next episode of My Life: The Soap Opera.

For those of you who don't care to read the marathon post ahead, here's the breakdown of my life since my last post: I loved. I lost. I evicted. I gained a new roommate. I narrowly avoided a full breakdown. I gained an incredible appreciation for certain people in my life. I started over, but discovered that some things don't change.

(Also, I went to Hawaii and became an "official adult", but those really don't need elaboration so I'll put them here.)

Whew. And now, for the dirty details (because I know you're all fascinated by those)...

My love life: Yes, I had a boyfriend. We met through an online mental health community, became friends, then became "official" sometime in October. It was a long-distance thing, since he lives in England and I don't. Things were going really well for a while, but then Depression got in the way. We both have it, and that led to a lot of emotional baggage. It didn't help that I'm a full-time student and he's not, so it felt like I couldn't be there for him enough. Long story short, I ended up cutting it off just before Christmas because it just wasn't healthy for either of us anymore. I really do care about the guy and I felt TERRIBLE breaking up with him, but it needed to be done.

Roommates: I didn't mention it online before now because I didn't want to stir things up, but the roommates that moved in with me in September turned out to be pretty terrible. I've moved past the petty stage (finally - apologies to those of you who had to put up with my whining), so I'll just say that they were first-years, and were not ready for an adult apartment. They didn't know how to clean up after themselves - we're talking 4-day-old macaroni on the stove, here - and wanted to be loud and party, which caused a LOT of stress and tension. Seriously, it was at the point where I was more stressed to come home that I was to go to my exams. It meant that I spent a lot of time at the gym and the library, which was great for my fitness and my marks, but my stress level was through the roof. So after several, er, interesting confrontations with their parents, we evicted them.
     The silver lining is that after a frantic search, I found a wonderful new roommate. She is everything that the ex-roommates weren't, which makes me so very glad. I'm finally feeling at home in my own home, and it's a wonderful feeling. I really do love this apartment!

My near-breakdown: Thanks to the roommate situation, the insane amount of schoolwork followed by exams, and serious homesickness, I was thisclose to losing it for most of December. I actually ended up in tears one evening, just because I was so stressed. I mentioned this to my mother, and she made arrangements to fly out two weeks later. It was WONDERFUL. She helped ease some of the tension between myself and the roommates, was there for me during the breakup, and just generally helped me forget the mess that was my life. We had a good time shopping (especially at IKEA!) and Taking Back the Living Room. I seriously don't know how I would have gotten through the last few weeks of school without her visiting.

I love you guys: Aside from the whole roommate debacle, which I whined about constantly, I really didn't say much about my stress level. Still, there were a few people who knew and were a big help for me - still are, actually. I don't want to name names, but there were 4 or 5 people who did anything they could to help me, whether it was through advice-giving, getting me out of the apartment or giving me a shoulder to cry on. Your help meant a lot to me. More than I can even express. I still have a lot of trouble asking for help, so the fact that you went above and beyond is a Big Deal to me. Thank you.

Starting over: So coming back to school in January was a fresh start for me. New semester (and, for a week or so, less homework), new roommate, new year. And everything has been going really well for the better part of the past 3 weeks. Unfortunately, the shine is starting to wear off and reality's setting in. A triple-whammy of hormones, 7 major assignments and grey skies means that my mood is pretty freaking low right now. There is an end in sight though, since reading week is coming up soonish, so I'm just pushing through til then.

Finally, it's worth mentioning that I've been sticking with a 3x/week workout routine since before Christmas. I try to make a point of getting in one half-hour workout, one 45-min(ish) swim and one INTENSE hour-long session with a personal trainer each week. Can't say I'm losing much weight because my diet is still in need of a permanent overhaul, but I'm definitely in better shape than I was when I started. It's pretty encouraging :)

So yeah, that's The View From Here for now. Congrats if you actually made it though!

TTYL,
Me