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In Which I'm Ready to Like Myself
Posted by justme
on
9:09 AM
(This is very much a stream-of-consciousness post; forgive me if I go all over the place)
I came across this video this morning. It changed the way I see myself. Honestly.
See, here's the thing. I was always really awkward around people, especially as a kid. I was overweight and way too smart for my own good and didn't take care of myself (what kid does, really?) and never really figured out the whole "social interaction" thing. As a result, I spent most of my formative years isolating myself and - more importantly - being isolated by other kids. By the time I became aware of this, I had already internalized the message that I "wasn't good enough" and wasn't worth helping. It meant that I ended up not liking myself much; I felt like I was a failure of a human being and ended up filtering and twisting everything I experienced to support that conclusion. I carried this weight with me right through to adulthood in the form of wicked, persistent self-esteem issues that fueled my depression. It also led me to hide my issues, because I figured nobody would really care about the hell that was going on inside my head. Even after I broke my silence and started trying to help myself, I still struggled with staying motivated enough to do it because I didn't feel like I was worth the effort it took to actually heal myself.
I think that's changed.
Something in that video clicked for me and made me see that it WASN'T MY FAULT that I ended up like that. I always blamed myself for my depression and self-image issues, but looking back I can see how they actually came about. I picked up the "you're worthless" message from the isolation I experienced and fully assimilated that into my internal monologue.
I feel like a puzzle piece has clicked into place. I couldn't start changing until I figured out why I hated myself so much. Now that that's happened? Well, let's just say I think I'm ready to move on.
(Important note: I'm not writing this to blame anyone. I didn't even realize what was going on until today. And I've always bottled things up really tightly, so I can't expect anyone else to notice.)
K
I came across this video this morning. It changed the way I see myself. Honestly.
See, here's the thing. I was always really awkward around people, especially as a kid. I was overweight and way too smart for my own good and didn't take care of myself (what kid does, really?) and never really figured out the whole "social interaction" thing. As a result, I spent most of my formative years isolating myself and - more importantly - being isolated by other kids. By the time I became aware of this, I had already internalized the message that I "wasn't good enough" and wasn't worth helping. It meant that I ended up not liking myself much; I felt like I was a failure of a human being and ended up filtering and twisting everything I experienced to support that conclusion. I carried this weight with me right through to adulthood in the form of wicked, persistent self-esteem issues that fueled my depression. It also led me to hide my issues, because I figured nobody would really care about the hell that was going on inside my head. Even after I broke my silence and started trying to help myself, I still struggled with staying motivated enough to do it because I didn't feel like I was worth the effort it took to actually heal myself.
I think that's changed.
Something in that video clicked for me and made me see that it WASN'T MY FAULT that I ended up like that. I always blamed myself for my depression and self-image issues, but looking back I can see how they actually came about. I picked up the "you're worthless" message from the isolation I experienced and fully assimilated that into my internal monologue.
I feel like a puzzle piece has clicked into place. I couldn't start changing until I figured out why I hated myself so much. Now that that's happened? Well, let's just say I think I'm ready to move on.
(Important note: I'm not writing this to blame anyone. I didn't even realize what was going on until today. And I've always bottled things up really tightly, so I can't expect anyone else to notice.)
K
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