Regal the Beagle passed away yesterday after 9 years with our family. She had an extremely aggressive form of liver cancer that left her unable to eat properly. As much as we will miss her, I'm glad she's in a better place now. She knew how much she was loved right until the very end.

Regal came to our family as a sort of surprise. My mother signed up for a small dog rescue group, figuring it would take a few months for them to find a dog. But we got a call the next day, saying that they had a 6-month-old Beagle puppy who was driving her previous owner's other dog nuts and had to leave ASAP. So next thing we knew, we had a new addition to our family!

The first few months took a lot of adjustment. Regal had a lot of energy, a stubborn streak a mile wide and a howl that could be heard from a block away. It became clear that much like a cat, Regal did what she wanted no matter what we had to say about it! She'd even get mad at us for leaving her alone for too long. Bossy dog.

She did eventually mellow out some, but even 9 years later she  would get "banished" from the kitchen nightly for sticking her nose into the dishwasher or garbage, only to lie in the living room with her head inside the kitchen, slowly inching her way back in. She loved to hide in my bed while I was in the shower, so much so that she learned the words "You know you're not allowed up there" because I kicked her off almost every day! And then, of course, I'd get the pathetic "What did I ever do to you?!" look...

That said, though, our Bagel did have a lot of endearing qualities. She made the best noises - her snores were so soothing! They helped me fall asleep more than once (did I mention she took over the couch in my room every night?). And when she woke up in the morning, she'd roll around on the carpet, scratching her back and groaning in bliss. It was hilarious to watch, especially since she had a lot of loose skin and wrinkles that kind of puddled around her.

So anyways. That's my Regal post. I'll just leave you with this thought: owning a pet (especially a dog) is a blessing and a curse. They give you so, so much love, but their lives are too short and it hurts really badly when they cross the Rainbow Bridge.

K

(This is very much a stream-of-consciousness post; forgive me if I go all over the place)

I came across this video this morning. It changed the way I see myself. Honestly.

See, here's the thing. I was always really awkward around people, especially as a kid. I was overweight and way too smart for my own good and didn't take care of myself (what kid does, really?) and never really figured out the whole "social interaction" thing. As a result, I spent most of my formative years isolating myself and - more importantly - being isolated by other kids. By the time I became aware of this, I had already internalized the message that I "wasn't good enough" and wasn't worth helping. It meant that I ended up not liking myself much; I felt like I was a failure of a human being and ended up filtering and twisting everything I experienced to support that conclusion. I carried this weight with me right through to adulthood in the form of wicked, persistent self-esteem issues that fueled my depression. It also led me to hide my issues, because I figured nobody would really care about the hell that was going on inside my head. Even after I broke my silence and started trying to help myself, I still struggled with staying motivated enough to do it because I didn't feel like I was worth the effort it took to actually heal myself.

I think that's changed.

Something in that video clicked for me and made me see that it WASN'T MY FAULT that I ended up like that. I always blamed myself for my depression and self-image issues, but looking back I can see how they actually came about. I picked up the "you're worthless" message from the isolation I experienced and fully assimilated that into my internal monologue.

I feel like a puzzle piece has clicked into place. I couldn't start changing until I figured out why I hated myself so much. Now that that's happened? Well, let's just say I think I'm ready to move on.

(Important note: I'm not writing this to blame anyone. I didn't even realize what was going on until today. And I've always bottled things up really tightly, so I can't expect anyone else to notice.)

K