Hi all,

Just a short entry to let you know that all is well. I got home 3 hours earlier than planned last night, since we got to the airport just in time to catch an earlier (direct!) flight. It feels so good to be home! My poor mom might not agree though, since I brought home all of my laundry... which hasn't been done for at least a week. Ah, the joys of university life.

Might not post til next Thursday, since I fly back to school next Wednesday night.

Moi

Hi guys,

Sorry for the late post - I wanted to wait until after my tattoo consultation (which was yesterday afternoon) to post so I could give you the latest.

Sadly, the consultation wasn't very detailed - we basically talked prices (not cheap) and settled on a design idea (wings surrounded by the design on my ring - see "In Which Things Go Well" for a visual). I was also able to book my final appointments. I get to see the design on Friday January 13th (cue ominous music), and I get the tattoos 4 days later on the 17th. This is ideal because those dates are on either side of my birthday! It's going to be tough to wait that long though...

Other than the tattoo excitement, I'm happy to announce that a post I wrote for a community blog a few months ago went live on Tuesday. I have to say that I'm pretty proud of it, since I've been told it's already serving as an inspiration for other people. Check it out and maybe you'll see why.

TTFN, peeps.
Moi

P.S. I'm sorry to those of you who who have already seen this news on Facebook... I promise I'll have fresher material next week.

Hey guys,

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was having one of those days where it feels like the universe is against you. Nothing serious, just a series of unfortunate events that made posting the last thing on my mind.

So now, back to your regularly scheduled programming:

One thing I've been wanting to report is that I dropped my Gaelic class last week. To be honest, it was causing me a lot of stress - I was trying to juggle 3 languages (German, Gaelic and Italian) and both my health and my grades were suffering because of it. Now that it's gone I have Mondays and Wednesdays completely free, which is kind of awesome because it lets me actually DO the work I've been neglecting in some of my other courses. As tough as it was, I'm glad I let it go. It just wasn't worth the hassle it was causing me.

Another thing that dropping the course has let me do is swimming. Honestly, I didn't really have the time or the inclination to go to the pool before now - it just seemed like too much work. Now that I have 2 free days a week, though, I don't really have an excuse anymore. Besides, I've come to realize exactly how good the pool is for my busted shoulder. It hurts like hell, but it's going to get a little easier each time I go.

On a completely unrelated note: I'm coming home at the end of the month! I'll be there for almost a week, before I return to write my finals. I'm SO looking forward to this - it'll be a break from the constant cloud of exam stress that's been hanging around since mid-October! And, y'know, it'll be great to see my family and friends again...

TTYL,
Me

P.S. MY TATTOO CONSULTATION IS IN 6 DAYS!!!!!

Hi guys,

It's hard to believe that it's only been a week since I "came out" about having depression. Things have changed so much since then...

The biggest change is that I finally feel at peace with my depression. It's honestly like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders once I realized that I don't have to hide anymore. That combined with your incredible support has made a HUGE difference.

I'm also happy to report that I'm (kinda) starting to go to the gym with my roommate. I say "kinda" because I basically shut myself in my room last week while I was trying to write a term paper, so my health got pushed off to the side. Now that I've dropped the course (long story) I'm back on track. I bought actual vegetables - plural - today and I'm going to the gym tomorrow. Woot!

The final change that my revelation is bringing about is that I'm planning on getting a pair of tattoos! They're going to be based on this necklace that I always wear. I'll include pics below, but basically it's a wing and a ring. The angel wing was given to me after my accident and acts as a reminder that I'm stronger than I think, while the ring (which I bought after my first major depressive episode last year) reminds me that things do get better. I'm hoping to get the design on the insides of my wrists so that they're easily concealable and won't get as disfigured with age. My consultation's on the 23rd and I'm hoping to get the actual tattoo soon after. Whaddaya think?

TTFN,
Me

Hi guys,

I just wanted to thank you for being so amazingly supportive after yesterday's post. I'd love to send individual notes to everyone, but honestly I've received so many emails/comments/messages that I'm kind of overwhelmed. Not that this is a bad thing!

Even though I can't thank you all individually, there are a few things I'd like to say:

To the homies on my floor: You're awesome. Seriously. I know I've been kind of a loner but knowing you're behind me makes a world of difference.

To my family: I love you guys. I was worried there'd be hurt feelings when I "came out" about my depression, but I've gotten nothing but love and support. It means a lot to me.

To my friends (online and IRL): Thanks for sticking with me. I've been through a lot of crap (most of which I brought upon myself) and knowing that I have someone to turn to is a big deal.

Once again, thank you for the love and support. Writing that post was a Big Deal for me, but the responses were an affirmation that I did the right thing. I'm hoping that it will help me make some other big changes, and knowing that I have an army to help me with that is HUGE.


Me

Hi everyone,


This week I wanted to share something with you guys. Something I've been meaning to let you know for a long time.

...

...

...

(I did that for Facebook's benefit - I want people to actually read my post instead of having my secret revealed in the little blurb when I post the link)

...

My secret is that I suffer from depression. Soul-sucking, mind-crushing depression. Not all the time, mind you, but enough that it's a problem.

Life with depression is... different than what you might expect. For me, it's essentially an altered mindset - you can think of it as looking at the world through a pair of lead sunglasses. My first instinct is to look at the problems associated with something instead of the benefits, and while I can enjoy things it takes a little more effort to "lift the sunglasses" than it would for most people. My inner critic is also very strong, making it easy for me to get discouraged and down on myself. If I don't catch myself, I start to spiral out of control.

These spirals occasionally turn into major depressive episodes. The blog Hyperbole and a Half explains these the best - aside from the "I don't give a f*ck" stage (which I haven't ever quite accomplished), it's exactly what I go through. I want to be clear that I've only ever been through 4 or 5 of these episodes (which last anywhere from 2 weeks to just over a month) so they are most definitely NOT NORMAL. It's worth noting them, though, because each one has changed me. You can't go to Hell and back without earning a few scars in the process.

That said, I want to let you know that those of you I know in real life shouldn't be surprised if you didn't notice anything. I worked VERY hard to put on a "happy mask" and pretend that everything was OK. I've never done emotions well, so I worked to hide everything I was feeling so that I wouldn't have to admit that I was struggling. I only opened up to a very few people last year, and that was because I was nearing a breaking point. I needed help and I couldn't do that without talking to people.

I'm done acting like that. It's time for me to grow up and start living with depression instead of just dealing with it. I've already started - I'm on medication (hopefully not for a long time), starting to exercise again, watching what I put into my body and seeing a counselor. I need you guys to stand behind me while I do this, because it's incredibly hard to break habits you've had for most of your life. Even if it's something as simple as bugging me to get to the gym once a week or asking me what I had for supper, I need your support. Are you with me?

Moi.